


What's your size?

by dragon_temeraire



Series: Stanny--size saga [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Werewolves, Condoms, Crack, Danny wants to know how big Stiles' dick is, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Star Wars References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 05:05:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11433738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragon_temeraire/pseuds/dragon_temeraire
Summary: Stiles drops an XXL condom in class, and it suddenly seems like Danny is really interested in him. (Or, at least, a certain part of him.)





	What's your size?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [ this post](http://dragon-temeraire.tumblr.com/post/161470630216/poetry-protest-pornography-magnusimon-but). Kind of cracky. I don’t actually remember the canon circumstances in which this occurred, so this fic is totally AU. Thanks to shealwaysreads for telling me I should write this!

Stiles knows he’s in trouble before the condom even hits the classroom floor. He’s no stranger to public humiliation, but it doesn’t mean he’s a fan of it, either. And it’s going to happen, because a bright gold _extra_ extra large condom is pretty hard to miss.

So he fully expects laughter, jeers, and several variations of “Yeah right, Stilinski.” 

But it doesn’t happen.

There’s just Scott, sitting next to him and looking amused, and Coach, who picks it up, says “Congrats,” and awkwardly hands it back. Then there’s Danny, who’s wearing an expression Stiles isn’t quite sure how to interpret.

But he’s pretty sure it’s the most interested look Danny has ever given him.

Stiles hurriedly shoves the condom back into his pocket, and the class gets back to work, everyone seemingly intent on economics.

Stiles breathes a sigh of relief.

Maybe it wasn’t such a big deal after all.

 

*

 

He could be wrong, though.

It’s quiet for a few days, then Scott calls him in the evening, right when Stiles is considering actually doing his homework. “Danny asked me today if you really needed an XXL condom,” he says, no preamble. “How could I possibly know that?” he adds, bewildered, as Stiles sputters in surprise.

“He probably figures you’ve seen me naked,” Stiles manages to say, while wondering if this is some kind of bizarre joke.

“Well, _yeah_ , I have. But it’s not like I had a measuring tape with me or anything,” Scott huffs. “And he didn't understand why I wasn't interested in your junk.”

“Maybe he thinks you have some weird friendship requirements,” Stiles says, shrugging. “But you have a girlfriend, and I’m the one who’s single, so I don’t think anyone else cares about dick size that much either.” He flops back on the bed, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling. “He really wanted to know that badly?”

“Have you ever been given a present, for your birthday or whatever, and you were just dying to know what was in it?” Scott says instead of answering. “Like, the mystery of it was just driving you crazy? I think it’s like that with Danny.”

Stiles laughs. “Are you saying my dick is a gift? Because I’m willing to agree with that.”

Scott groans and hangs up on him.

 

*

 

Despite the rumors circulating about just how hung he might be, no one has tried to ogle Stiles in the locker room, for which he is grateful. He usually showers after everyone else leaves anyway, but it’s the principal of the thing. He’s started wearing his nicest underwear, though, just in case.

He does catch Danny giving him speculative looks in the hallways or when he walks through the cafeteria, and he _is_ flattered. Still, he’s certain that, no matter what’s in his pants, Danny would never be interested in actually dating him.

So he doesn’t think much of it.

Right up until Jackson shoves him up against his locker after school, that is. That’s when he starts to get a little worried.

“What the hell,” Jackson growls, hand gripping the collar of Stiles’ shirt. “Why is my best friend so obsessed with your dick?”

The fingers of his other hand dig into Stiles’ shoulder when he shrugs.

“Did you guys hook up at the Jungle?” Jackson asks, eyes narrowing. “And why the hell did you bring a condom to school? Did you really think you were gonna get laid _here?_ ”

Stiles raises his hands in surrender. “Look, dude. I didn’t do anything to Danny. Or _with_ Danny. I don’t know what’s going on with him, but the condom thing was an accident, I just forgot it was in my pocket.”

Jackson gives him a disgusted look, then stomps off down the hallway.

 

*

 

Stiles thinks that’ll be the end of it, except that Danny sits at his table at lunch the very next day.

Scott is too busy mooning over Allison to pay much attention, but Stiles tenses a little in surprise. And though it’s ridiculous, he almost expects Danny to ask him about the size of his dick, right there in the middle of the cafeteria.

He doesn’t, of course.

Stiles thinks he’s probably the only person Danny _hasn’t_ asked.

“Hey, Stiles,” Danny says. He looks around, then leans across the table conspiratorially. “I’m doing this because it’s really annoying Jackson,” he says, grinning.

“Well, I’m in full support of that,” Stiles says, laughing.

“I figured you would be,” Danny says. “He’s going through a rough patch with Lydia, so he’s been meddling in other people’s lives. Especially mine.”

“Yikes,” Stiles says. No wonder Jackson’s been extra short-tempered lately. “That sucks.”

Danny raises his eyebrows. “I figured that’d be good news to you. Aren’t you into Lydia?”

“I was, freshman year,” Stiles says dismissively. “I’m not interested in her anymore.”

Danny laughs. “It’s only sophomore year now, Stiles. It wasn’t that long ago.”

“Feels like it was. A lot can change over the summer, you know.”

“Care to elaborate?” Danny asks, looking genuinely curious.

“Well, I was all set to completely change myself, to try to become someone Lydia might be interested in,” Stiles says, shrugging. “But then I went to a Star Wars convention a few hours away, and I ended up making out with a really hot guy.”

“There was actually a hot person at a Star Wars convention?” Danny asks teasingly.

“Rude!” Stiles says, laughing. “And yeah, there was. He was dressed as _Han Solo_ , come on! Anyway, I realized that I didn’t have to be different for someone to be interested in me.”

“That definitely seems like a healthier outlook,” Danny says. “And changing yourself for Lydia would have never worked anyway.”

 

*

 

Stiles thinks Danny will stop sitting with them after a few days, but he just keeps showing up at their table. Even after Jackson stops being pissed about it.

Sometimes, if they’re not too engrossed in planning their next cute date, Allison and Scott will join their conversation. But most of the time, it’s like Stiles and Danny have the table to themselves.

And it starts to feel like he and Danny are…sort of becoming friends.

Stiles tries not to be too excited about it, because Danny is hot, and Stiles does not need another hopeless crush. So when Danny says, “Hey, do you want to be my lab partner?” he hesitates a little.

But it’s not like Scott’s gonna be an option, and he doesn’t want to wait and get stuck with Greenberg, so. “Yeah, that’d be cool,” he says, trying to sound nonchalant.

Danny smiles. “Okay. Where do you want to meet up to study? My house, or yours?”

“Um, my place?” Stiles says, then winces at how that sounds.

“Sure,” Danny says without batting an eye, and pulls out his phone. “Can I get your number? Just in case?”

Stiles feels his stomach swoop pleasantly at that, even though he knows it doesn’t mean anything. “Sure,” he says. “Just in case.”

 

*

 

When they’re alone in his room, Stiles expects it to happen.

He doubts Danny would be so forward as to tell him to just take off his pants, nothing like that. But Stiles does at least expect him to bring up the condom, though, and it makes him a little anxious.

But Danny just sits down and pulls his report out of his backpack. “I think I figured out the answers to most of these,” he says. “But I have no idea what question seven is even asking. Maybe we can work on that one first?”

Stiles blinks in surprise for a moment, abruptly realizing—this isn’t a ploy or a trick. Even though popular people have never liked him, it turns out Danny really does want to be his lab partner. And that means he must actually see Stiles as a peer, as a _friend_.

That probably shouldn’t thrill Stiles, but it really, really does.

“Yeah,” he says, smiling. “Let’s get started.”

 

*

 

The work together at Stiles’ house for the next couple of weeks, then at lunch Danny says, “Let’s meet at my house this time.”

“Sure,” Stiles says, but he sends Danny a questioning look.

“I’ve been craving ice cream all day,” he explains, grinning.

Stiles wordlessly points out the soft-serve machine in the corner of the cafeteria.

“ _Real_ ice cream,” Danny says, grinning. “We’ve got a couple of gallons in the freezer at home, and I’m ready to dig in.”

“Well, that sounds good to me, I never pass up the chance to eat _real_ ice cream,” Stiles says teasingly.

“Then you’re in for a real treat,” Danny says with a cheerful wink, not missing a beat.

Stiles has to work really hard not to read anything into that.

 

*

 

Danny’s house is _nice_. It’s just down the street from Jackson’s but it’s less…austere feeling. It’s more like an actual home than an art museum, and Stiles likes it immediately.

Once they get inside, Danny starts pulling out the containers of ice cream, and Stiles gets distracted pretty quickly by the huge television in the living room. “Whoa, that’s epic,” he says, just a little bit covetously.

Danny glances up from his ice cream scooping. “Yeah, it’s great for watching movies, it’s almost like being in the theater.” There’s a pause, and then he says, very casually, “You should come over sometime, bring whatever movies you want to watch.”

“Sure, that’d be great,” Stiles says, nodding.

He doesn’t get too excited, though. He kind of expects it to be one of those friendly gestures that people offer but don’t intend to follow through on, so when Danny says, “How about next weekend? Maybe Friday night?” Stiles is too surprised to answer at first.

“Uh, I should be free,” he manages eventually.

“Awesome,” Danny says, smiling. “I’m looking forward to it. Now, let’s eat this ice cream and get this lab done.”

 

*

 

It’s great, spending time with Danny. Stiles can’t help enjoying it, even though he knows it probably doesn’t mean anything.

He’s a lot more fun than Stiles would have expected, considering he’s best friends with Jackson. Danny appreciates Stiles’ sarcasm, and he has a sly wit of his own that sometimes takes Stiles by surprise.

And Danny apparently also has parents who aren’t home a lot, because there’s no one else at his house when Stiles shows up on Friday night. There’s snacks and drinks spread out on the coffee table, and Danny starts up a movie like there’s no chance of them being interrupted.

So, Stiles guesses, they have the place to themselves tonight. He tries not to read too much into that.

Instead, he eyes all the food on the table and raises an eyebrow. “I’m surprised you don’t just have a giant tub of ice cream out here,” he jokes.

“Gotta eat some actual food first,” Danny says, shrugging. “ _Then_ dessert. I have pizza in the oven—vegetable, sorry—but I got this other stuff out in case you didn’t want any.”

“I appreciate it,” Stiles says, because he does, “but I like every kind of pizza, so no worries there.”

Danny laughs. “Good to know,” he says. “Hey, have you been to that new buffet on Main? They’re supposed to have, like, thirty kinds of pizza there.”

“No, I haven’t yet,” Stiles says. “But I definitely want to, it sounds amazing.”

He’s paying more attention to Danny than the movie, so he notices the way Danny pauses thoughtfully, like he wants to say something. He doesn’t, though, even after Stiles waits him out, so he lets it go.

They eat and then relax on the couch, and somehow, over the course of the movie, they end up drifting together, their shoulders barely touching. Stiles sneaks a few glances, wondering what’s going on, but he doesn’t move away, and neither does Danny.

At least, not until the credits are rolling.

Danny shifts around, turning toward Stiles and draping his arm across the back of the couch. “Hey,” he says, looking kind of nervous. “Would you go on a date with me?”

Nothing about that question seems like a joke, but Stiles isn’t totally sure that’s not what it is. “This isn’t about the condom thing, is it? Or are you asking because you’re curious about the size of my dick?”

Danny levels him with a serious look. “I was. Honestly, I had written you off completely,” he admits. “That first day I sat with you at lunch, I had planned to ask you if you wanted to hook up, and just be done with you after that. But you were more interesting than I’d ever expected.” He shrugs. “So I decided to keep talking to you, and I ended up liking you. A lot.”

“So you…actually want to date me? With no ulterior motives?” Stiles asks curiously.

“I can’t say that. I’m still curious about a lot of things, including why you had that condom in the first place. But mostly I just want to know you better,” Danny says.

“Good. Because I feel like, at this point, you were always going to be disappointed. Even if I had the biggest, thickest, greatest dick in the world, I still wouldn’t know how to use it. I’m a virgin,” Stiles says, shrugging.

“Don’t worry, I can definitely teach you how to use it,” Danny says, lips quirking up sexily. “Whenever you’re ready, of course,” he adds reassuringly. “I’m not going to rush you.”

“You really mean that?” Stiles asks, dipping his fingers under the collar of Danny’s shirt and tugging him closer.

“Every word,” Danny breathes, eyes dropping to Stiles’ lips.

Stiles grins. “Then I accept,” he says, pulling Danny into a kiss. “I definitely want to be your boyfriend.”

 

*

 

They’re on their second date when Stiles says, “So, do you really want to know why I had that condom?”

“Yeah,” Danny says. “Because I thought you’d started dating someone, or at least started fucking someone.”

“Nothing that exciting, I’m afraid,” Stiles says, shaking his head. “I’d finally worked up the nerve to buy some condoms, just to be prepared, but I didn’t know what size I needed, you know? So I bought this multipack that had a lot of different styles and sizes.”

“Okay, and?” Danny prompts eagerly.

“So when I got back home, my dad was there, and I didn’t really feel like carrying a big box of condoms past him. So I dumped them out and started shoving them in all of my pockets.”

“Oh my god,” Danny says. “Why didn’t you just leave them in the jeep?”

“It was hot,” Stiles says defensively. “They were expensive, I didn’t want them to get ruined.”

“Fair enough,” Danny sighs.

“So I manage to cram them all in, and then I very casually walk through the house, and up to my room. And just when I’m starting to empty them out, I hear my dad coming up the stairs. So I throwing them all in a drawer as fast as I can, and I have them all hidden by the time he’s at my door. But I obviously missed one in my haste, and that’s the one that fell out of my pocket at school.”

Danny’s laughing now, and even though it’s at his expense, Stiles can’t help smiling fondly at him.

“You’re ridiculous,” Danny says, still grinning. “But it’s good to know that you have a whole stash of condoms, just in case.”

“Sexy guys like me gotta keep a bunch on hand,” Stiles says, waggling his eyebrows and winking.

Danny laughs until he cries, but then he makes out with him in the jeep for like an hour, so Stiles figures it was totally worth it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come by and prompt me/talk to me [ on tumblr](http://dragon-temeraire.tumblr.com/).


End file.
